Why? Oh, Why?

Why? Oh, Why?
Why me?
Why now?
Why?

Everyone has asked that at least once in life.
Has sat with head in hands and wondered.
Has cried inwards or cursed outwards.
Has felt betrayed. 

Has lost faith.
Has been there.

At least once in life.

Then everyone has lifted their heads.
Tried to look up. 

Act like moving on.

Problem.
Moving on doesn't happen so easily.
The pain doesn't go away.
The faith doesn't return a hundred percent.

Unless.... the "Why?" is answered.

Answers take time.
A millisecond. A decade.
It depends.
It depends, when the Universe decides to show "Why?".

But when it happens, there can be no doubt there is always a plan for us in the scheme of the Universe.
All that is needed is to be aware when the Answer reveals itself.

What happens, happens just the way it should have happened.

How do I know?
As Morpheus puts it, "Because we are not dead."

It Gets Better.. If it doesn't, Make it Better!

I took my time. I am not yet very clear about everything because the only person who can answer my questions is vehemently avoiding answering any of them.

So, here I am with my own thoughts again. 
I took a couple of weeks off to sort my thoughts and this is what I came up with so far. 
I have never been so emotionally invested in anyone in all my life. And I have never lost so much in an investment till date. 

A lot of interesting things happened in my life in the last few weeks. So many, that I can't even begin to begin listing them. At least, not yet.
So many lessons that I had not had a chance to learn because of my restricted cultural upbringing were learnt in a matter of days.

In the last few days, I have experienced every negative emotion humans must have a word for.
Anguish.
Apathy.
Rejection.
Guilt.
Loss.
Anxiety.
Helplessness.
Hopelessness.
Heartbreak.

However, the one overwhelming emotion that was there along with all of these was Anger.
I have been really angry. An anger I cannot justify. An anger I can't control. An anger I need to control because the flame is pointing to me and I'm burning to ashes.

I have been angry at myself not because I did something wrong. I am not angry because I have got myself into this trouble.
I am angry because I did not do what I should have done. I did not respect the moment that I had when I had it. I had a chance to let go and be myself for a moment. I let it slip because I was worried for these consequences. I wasn't considering the consequences consciously. I am conditioned to consider consequences.

The consequences are there for me to bear irrespective of what I did or did not do.
I am angry because I let myself run into a situation where I have to start a statement that starts with "I wish I had..." rather than "I wish I had not...".

I hope I can forgive myself some day for this.
No, it gets better. 
I pray I will get a second chance to correct it.

It is wishful but that's how I am going to look at it from now on.
That's where I am going to focus my energy. 
And if it doesn't get better, I am going to make sure I am going to die trying to make it better.
It has to get better, because it can't get worse and I won't survive if it stays the same.