I took my time. I am not yet very clear about everything because the only person who can answer my questions is vehemently avoiding answering any of them.
So, here I am with my own thoughts again.
I took a couple of weeks off to sort my thoughts and this is what I came up with so far.
I have never been so emotionally invested in anyone in all my life. And I have never lost so much in an investment till date.
A lot of interesting things happened in my life in the last few weeks. So many, that I can't even begin to begin listing them. At least, not yet.
So many lessons that I had not had a chance to learn because of my restricted cultural upbringing were learnt in a matter of days.
In the last few days, I have experienced every negative emotion humans must have a word for.
Anguish.
Apathy.
Rejection.
Guilt.
Loss.
Anxiety.
Helplessness.
Hopelessness.
Heartbreak.
However, the one overwhelming emotion that was there along with all of these was Anger.
I have been really angry. An anger I cannot justify. An anger I can't control. An anger I need to control because the flame is pointing to me and I'm burning to ashes.
I have been angry at myself not because I did something wrong. I am not angry because I have got myself into this trouble.
I am angry because I did not do what I should have done. I did not respect the moment that I had when I had it. I had a chance to let go and be myself for a moment. I let it slip because I was worried for these consequences. I wasn't considering the consequences consciously. I am conditioned to consider consequences.
The consequences are there for me to bear irrespective of what I did or did not do.
I am angry because I let myself run into a situation where I have to start a statement that starts with "I wish I had..." rather than "I wish I had not...".
I hope I can forgive myself some day for this.
No, it gets better.
I pray I will get a second chance to correct it.
It is wishful but that's how I am going to look at it from now on.
That's where I am going to focus my energy.
And if it doesn't get better, I am going to make sure I am going to die trying to make it better.
It has to get better, because it can't get worse and I won't survive if it stays the same.
So, here I am with my own thoughts again.
I took a couple of weeks off to sort my thoughts and this is what I came up with so far.
I have never been so emotionally invested in anyone in all my life. And I have never lost so much in an investment till date.
A lot of interesting things happened in my life in the last few weeks. So many, that I can't even begin to begin listing them. At least, not yet.
So many lessons that I had not had a chance to learn because of my restricted cultural upbringing were learnt in a matter of days.
In the last few days, I have experienced every negative emotion humans must have a word for.
Anguish.
Apathy.
Rejection.
Guilt.
Loss.
Anxiety.
Helplessness.
Hopelessness.
Heartbreak.
However, the one overwhelming emotion that was there along with all of these was Anger.
I have been really angry. An anger I cannot justify. An anger I can't control. An anger I need to control because the flame is pointing to me and I'm burning to ashes.
I have been angry at myself not because I did something wrong. I am not angry because I have got myself into this trouble.
I am angry because I did not do what I should have done. I did not respect the moment that I had when I had it. I had a chance to let go and be myself for a moment. I let it slip because I was worried for these consequences. I wasn't considering the consequences consciously. I am conditioned to consider consequences.
The consequences are there for me to bear irrespective of what I did or did not do.
I am angry because I let myself run into a situation where I have to start a statement that starts with "I wish I had..." rather than "I wish I had not...".
I hope I can forgive myself some day for this.
No, it gets better.
I pray I will get a second chance to correct it.
It is wishful but that's how I am going to look at it from now on.
That's where I am going to focus my energy.
And if it doesn't get better, I am going to make sure I am going to die trying to make it better.
It has to get better, because it can't get worse and I won't survive if it stays the same.
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