Interpreting Silence!... What a mess?

Everything I posted so far, I kept impersonal.
Derived from so deep in the heart or so far in the past that it has a surreal distance from me.
Like it was someone else's story.

Today I must talk of something so recent that it can't be separated from reality.
Cannot be draped in any veil of comfort.

I told him I love him and I would leave everything for him.
It was too early to let him know but it was my only chance.

I asked for five minutes to hold him because something inside me knew he was too good to stay.

He didn't give me those five minutes.
He gave me a song and went silent.

I needed one answer.
He wouldn't even let me ask the question.

I kept banging at the door.
He let me know he was there but he wouldn't make a sound.

The song could have meant anything.
His silence could have meant anything.

Did it mean he didn't feel the way I felt?
Did it mean it just wasn't right?
Did it mean anything at all?
What? 
What did it mean?

I kept telling myself that it was I who came on too hard.
That the silence could only mean he loved me not.
And it looked like it.
He removed all trace of me.
Even as I watched.

So I tried to keep up my best face.
I believed he moved on.
So I tried to make myself believe I moved on.

Then he shows up with this girl.
So much of me in her, from the trinket she wears to the words she used.

Now.. what do I make of the silence?
Am I reading into it because I feel jealous?
I must be jealous but something else is bothering me more.

What's wrong with boys?
Why don't they say it to your face?

It will hurt much less to know the truth than to keep guessing.
A man can't read a woman's mind but so is true for women.
Women can't read minds too.

Why don't you go lose yourself Jad?
Why don't you say it out loud?
Even now, why don't you?

How long till I am free of you?
How long till I can move on?

How long till this noisy silence lasts?

Why? Oh, Why?

Why? Oh, Why?
Why me?
Why now?
Why?

Everyone has asked that at least once in life.
Has sat with head in hands and wondered.
Has cried inwards or cursed outwards.
Has felt betrayed. 

Has lost faith.
Has been there.

At least once in life.

Then everyone has lifted their heads.
Tried to look up. 

Act like moving on.

Problem.
Moving on doesn't happen so easily.
The pain doesn't go away.
The faith doesn't return a hundred percent.

Unless.... the "Why?" is answered.

Answers take time.
A millisecond. A decade.
It depends.
It depends, when the Universe decides to show "Why?".

But when it happens, there can be no doubt there is always a plan for us in the scheme of the Universe.
All that is needed is to be aware when the Answer reveals itself.

What happens, happens just the way it should have happened.

How do I know?
As Morpheus puts it, "Because we are not dead."

The Origins of My Mediocrity!

I decided to show up again. 
Actually I have something really important to do but.. I don't feel like doing it.
I feel like sharing my story with all the random people in the world (who will not even read this). 

Um? Where to begin?
Isn't it always the trouble? Where to begin?
Maybe starting at the start would be a good place to start. Let me give that a try.

I am like a lot of other people. 
I grew up an OK student with OK grades. 
I was told "the world was my stage" and that "I could conquer oceans" because (like twenty others) I could make it to the "Honor Roll" every now and then.

Well there was the problem!

"World" turned out to be way bigger than the a high school and a small town and the two pages in the Atlas.

And, I had never seen an ocean. I was looking at a fish bowl. I was being patted on my back every time I picked out my goldfish with bare hands. 
(No, I didn't kill the goldfish. I just took it out to clean the bowl and put it back in. We couldn't pay for another one if it died.)
That's not the point. The point is, I was made to feel like I had just caught whale. 
How was I supposed to know? I grew up inland!

And I, turned out to have no idea what I was doing and a lofted image of myself (based on all the 'A's I got in school) as the only guide to my actions.

No one told me that high school wasn't enough.

Hey! College wasn't enough either. 
College didn't give me an education or a job. 
All it "gave" me was a Loan I can't pay back. 

Is there no point where I can sit back, throw my legs on the table and life gets easy?

This is frustrating. 
Maybe I should just get back to the stuff I was supposed to be doing. I owe money to people.