Once upon a time, a certain Lonely Recluse needed to get rid of someone who threatened to liven up their dreary life. Now any recluse can identify with the need to maintain status quo in a life sans merriment.
These are the results of extensive research done by the Lonely Recluse to preserve a lifestyle.
Followed in the right order, they are good to get a vampire off your neck.
#5. Tell them they are your soul-mate at introductions:
Well begun is half done!
Most people would be sent scampering down the street just by this one small gesture of camaraderie.
If they are still standing, the job is tougher but far from impossible.
#4. Become their shadow:
Follow them everywhere.
Majority would run for it if they need to dodge you to go to the bathroom.
The ones that don't mind would be tougher cookie but we can crack that.
#3. Share a secret:
Tell them your deepest, darkest secret. The type you don't tell even to yourself.
There may be those who wouldn't mind your shadow under the toilet door but there aren't many that can carry a burden of knowledge.
#2. Share even more:
If they are still standing after one secret, tell them even more.
Crowd the voice mail, the inbox and the mailbox.
Tell them about your dog's diarrhea.
The survivor of a bombardment of that kind should be a keeper but then, we are talking of losing, not keeping, this person.
So let's move on to the fail-safe.
The one that works almost every time.
#1. Soak them in tears:
Open up your insecurities.
Cry till your make up (if you wear any) and their shoulder dissolves.
Pile up every emotional need on them like they owe it to you.
If #1 fails then even the Lonely Recluse can't help you.
This one won't leave your side even in the afterlife.
These strategies can't really work because they were devised for mere mortals.
No other worldly beings were harmed in the conduct of this research.
You have met your match indeed.
Learn to live with it.
