It is a Rush, It was a Rush.

I had started this thread to record the Loser experiences I was having everyday. I wanted to mock the illogical conversations I was running into.

Today is different. Today I am the joke. 
Today I speak for myself. Today I speak of myself.
Well, not so much speak, as babble incoherently.

Why? Because my thoughts are out of control.
It is a rush in my brain.
It is, in fact, now a stampede that is killing every brain cell I have. 

It was a rush a fortnight ago.
The feeling you get when you think you have found someone you can relate to. Ah! 
But what on Earth made me feel that way? I have totally no idea.
I wasn't even drunk. I don't drink at all. Then why?
What wings was I flying on?

I got it in my head that I can trust someone I barely new with my deepest secrets. 
Why? Because I never felt I could trust someone the way I did with this one?
No.
I think, in hindsight, I bloody blurted out everything because I am this rank moron who was having a field day proving exactly that to anybody who had any doubt about it.
Now I'm sure I am a bipolar all messed up in my head and the mania decided to show up at just the wrong time.

Oh! and did I forget to mention that I almost jeopardized the only meaningful relationship I have with anyone for the sake of my fantastic illusions? I also seem to have jeopardized the only friendship I found worthy of creating in a time so long, I can't remember.

What can I say? 
There are some days in life one hopes and prays that they could turn the clock back and undo all that felt happy and good. 
There are some days one is thankful for all the habitual miseries that piled up and kept this dejection at bay.
It has been one of those days.

I never imagined that I would see that day in my  life when I would have preferred to stay a reclusive loser rather than a merry idiot. 

Yet it was a rush and I let it blow me away. 
And now it's rushing through my head and I'm rushing to keep myself together. 
Holding on to straws that may keep my sanity from drowning to the depths of the ocean.

How does one forget the beauty of the moment?
How does one forget the absurdity of the moment? 
How does one forget such a moment? 
Is it possible to keep the beauty and let go of the absurdity?

It feels like, Life had been telling me all this time and I wasn't listening. So it gave me a lesson in "Do and Learn" before saying "I told you so".

Can't think of a bigger loser than myself at this moment.
I jinxed it by creating this blog.

Why I can't Dance?!

A new friend gave me this awesome dance music for duets. Now, I don't understand a word of it but the music is so hum-able and makes your feet tap. I don't exactly have two left feet but I'm also not the one to get up and break a few moves right away when I hear some music.

I'm also not the one to take the blame for any of this. 
Even if they could, they never bought me dancing shoes. 

Who? My parents. Who else?
They always thought it would be a waste of my time.

Now maybe I would not have turned out to be MJ or Madonna but I would at least have figured out whether I can dance or not.

Parents can be the most confusing. One morning you are the kid who can do nothing wrong because you got an A- in your class test and the same evening you are not good enough even to apply for a dance or arts or theater class or whatever it is that you want to do for yourself.

The Origins of My Mediocrity!

I decided to show up again. 
Actually I have something really important to do but.. I don't feel like doing it.
I feel like sharing my story with all the random people in the world (who will not even read this). 

Um? Where to begin?
Isn't it always the trouble? Where to begin?
Maybe starting at the start would be a good place to start. Let me give that a try.

I am like a lot of other people. 
I grew up an OK student with OK grades. 
I was told "the world was my stage" and that "I could conquer oceans" because (like twenty others) I could make it to the "Honor Roll" every now and then.

Well there was the problem!

"World" turned out to be way bigger than the a high school and a small town and the two pages in the Atlas.

And, I had never seen an ocean. I was looking at a fish bowl. I was being patted on my back every time I picked out my goldfish with bare hands. 
(No, I didn't kill the goldfish. I just took it out to clean the bowl and put it back in. We couldn't pay for another one if it died.)
That's not the point. The point is, I was made to feel like I had just caught whale. 
How was I supposed to know? I grew up inland!

And I, turned out to have no idea what I was doing and a lofted image of myself (based on all the 'A's I got in school) as the only guide to my actions.

No one told me that high school wasn't enough.

Hey! College wasn't enough either. 
College didn't give me an education or a job. 
All it "gave" me was a Loan I can't pay back. 

Is there no point where I can sit back, throw my legs on the table and life gets easy?

This is frustrating. 
Maybe I should just get back to the stuff I was supposed to be doing. I owe money to people.

Arrived

I am one of those lazy people who think they can write so they create a blog account and then never show up. 
Why? Of course, because they are creatively as barren as the Mojave. 

I created this blog to share my Loser life with the world. This is dedicated to all my Loser brothers and sisters and not-sures out there. Don't feel lonely. There is at least one more of your kind. 

I did have another blog but it turns out I have been there an average of once every year or so. Today I went through all my previous posts and realized a few things. The first thing was a realization about my own nature. I am impulsive. I do react to situations in the spur of the moment. 
Very often I look back on those incidents, like now, and then think "Was I that stupid?" 
Of course I was! Why else would I be writing all that stuff? 

I've written too much for my lazy self already. So I'll try and finish this when I stop beating myself up about being the Loser that I am. 
Loser yawning away!