Crossroads....

Life. Journey.

Crossroads. Inevitable.


Indecision? Yes.
Unnecessary? No.


Every now and then in our journey, life throws crossroads at us.
Sometimes with the "Stop All Ways" Sign.
Often with no Directing Arrows.


It is agitating, at times, to not know whether to turn. 
If a turn is for sure, it is agitating to not know in which direction.


Makes you think "Why crossroads?"
Same question as "Why choices?"


Crossroads bring along choices. 
The freedom to take a turn that may make a difference.
The excitement of meeting other travellers.
The possibility of a new destination.


Why not race into wherever the traffic flows?
Because, every now and then, Life wants us to take a chance.
Every now and then, life wants to give us a chance.

Destiny is not written in the stars or in the hands.
Destiny is designed by crossroads.

Love and Pain

Love. Pain.
Contradictory.

Yet the subject of more songs in any language than any other perhaps.
Why? One wonders.

Why is pain universally associated with love?


Pain is not born out of Love.
It is the child of attachment.
Of desires.
Of expectations.
Of trying to hold on too tightly.
Of the need to be seen by the loved one.


Pain is not woven into the fabric of Love.
It is woven into the fabric of human nature.


We don't love to love.
We love to possess. 
To conquer. 


We want to conveniently label our associations of convenience as Love.
We are merchants looking for returns on our goods.
When our goods bear no profit, it hurts.
If they bring returns, the thought of losing it hurts.
If we lose it, the loss hurts.


Love is not a business. 
If it is a business, there is only give no take.
Love only gives immense bliss.
It only gives the soul a taste of the divine.
It takes nothing. 
It adds. Never subtracts.

Feel Love like appreciating the beauty of a butterfly.
A butterfly looks the most beautiful flying among the flowers whose colors complement those of its wings. 
Catching a butterfly merely rubs off its delicate scales and brings it harm.
The moment we start thinking of chasing it to catch it, we stop enjoying its beauty.


Relax.
Lay back.
Become one with the flowers in the garden.


Let the butterfly come to you and when it does, don't try to keep it there.
If you have the nectar it needs, it will stay.
If it doesn't, still rejoice in the beauty of its flight.


Let love be a Rise not a Fall.

A Woman to Men.

The last few days I have been deprived of the lifeblood of modern urban life. The Internet.

It gave me more time than I imagined I needed. This is the fruit of time... well... spent away from internet.

The question: What is a woman to men in her life?

Father: "She is the apple of my eye. She is my little Fairy Princess. She is the most beautiful girl in the world. She is my honor and my pride. I would do anything to protect my honor and pride."

Brother: "She is my best friend. She keeps all my secrets. She is there for me every time I need her. She is the most beautiful girl in the world. She is my honor and my pride. I would do anything to protect my honor and pride."

Husband: "She is my soul-mate. She is my strength and the reason I live for. She is the most beautiful girl in the world. She is my honor and my pride. I would do anything to protect my honor and pride."

Boyfriend/ Lover/ Secret Lover: "She is the most beautiful girl in the world. I can't live without her. I could kill for her. I would die for her. 

However, she is the pride and honor of her father/ brother/ this other guy. I understand their concern. Even if she loves me, I will be faithful to my male counterparts.

I will break her heart but I will do nothing to harm their honor and pride."

Woman: "Dear Men in My Life! Grow some balls. I'm not your favorite piece of furniture or your latest sports car. I'm not a piece of glass or a pot of delicate china or any other object that needs your constant protection. I am my own honor and pride and I'm not lending myself to your pride and honor. I am a living member of your intellectually advanced species. So, please, find something else to feed to your fragile ego."

The Curious Case of Reverse Grief Response.

Kϋbler Ross gave the classic Response to Grief sequence as:

Denial > Anger > Bargain > Depression > Acceptance. 

It is believed to be the stops in the mind's passage through the dark tunnel of knowing to the light at the other end, where it can learn to live with the fact.

It is believed to explain the process of dealing with loss, from the most minor, like a child realizing they can't have their favorite toy anymore, to the terminal patient planning out the numbered days of their life.

Here is a case where the sequence was reversed giving rise to its own peculiarities.

Acceptance: 

There could be no doubt about it.

If something cannot be possessed, isn't their implied loss?

The mind was ready to pay the price. 

What can be the price of something that cannot be bought? 

Priceless. There was beguiled security in this matter of fact.

Depression:

The problem is "Priceless" is an oxymoron. It is too high a price to pay. 

When depression set it in, the illusion was shattered. Accepting the emotion as depression was also acceptance, but of another kind. It was acceptance that there had been something that had been possessed and a price was being paid. 

A price so high it could not be fathomed.

Bargain:

This didn't last long. 

What's to offer in return for Priceless?

What do you bargain pure joy with? 

Then there was this other issue.

How do you cross a wall with no doors or windows?

Anger:

This has been the longest. It refuses to go away.

It is born of the false acceptance.

It wouldn't go away because the next stage cannot set in.

Denial:

What is there to deny?

Deny that it was there? Then there can be no loss. What isn't found cannot be lost. 

Yet, what has already come to pass cannot be erased from history. That it was, is undeniable. 

It's credibility cannot be questioned just like that of your breath which is self evident in the fact that you are still alive.

Deny the loss? Then the whole argument is pointless. Then there is no response, let alone a reversal.

The loss is undeniable. It was the one natural course. 

It was Inevitable.It was accepted even before it was acknowledged.

Unless we come to terms with what needs to be denied, the anger is going to burn. Since it has nowhere else to go, it will burn inwards.

The logic of Kϋbler Ross's sequence hits home. The sequence cannot make sense if the order is reversed. 

Ultimately, it has to go full circle from Denial to Acceptance.

However, that will have to wait till the paradox of the Denial can be dealt with.

Top Five Rules for Clubbing.

One of my interesting experiences in the last few weeks was going to a club. 
"Wow!" you'll say, "how interesting to do something thousands of teenagers do almost every weekend all over the world!"

Umm... I am not exactly a teenager and I don't exactly do it every weekend.
It's not going to the club that's so interesting. It's the lessons that I learnt that I need to share. 

I was so impressed with the experience that I had to come up with my own countdown of Rules for Clubbing:

#5 If you are not a regular or a local, don't take the advice of people who are not legally allowed inside clubs. (Therefore, have never gone to a club.) Chances are, you are going to get a rotten deal.
#4 Check out the DJ before you go. If you are in mood for House music you don't want to end up on a floor that plays the same Techno Beat for four hours in a row.
#3 Do not suggest that your companion should dance with you just because you two have been standing on the dance floor for more than an hour and it's too loud to have any conversation.
#2 If you feel like kissing your companion, do not grin like an idiot. Do It.

This is The Most Important one, it has to be number One. You cannot follow Rule Two above without getting into some kind of trouble if you don't follow this rule.

#1 DO NOT go to a club with a boy who is neither your friend nor your boyfriend, esp if you are married (to someone else). 

So happy clubbing!

It Gets Better.. If it doesn't, Make it Better!

I took my time. I am not yet very clear about everything because the only person who can answer my questions is vehemently avoiding answering any of them.

So, here I am with my own thoughts again. 
I took a couple of weeks off to sort my thoughts and this is what I came up with so far. 
I have never been so emotionally invested in anyone in all my life. And I have never lost so much in an investment till date. 

A lot of interesting things happened in my life in the last few weeks. So many, that I can't even begin to begin listing them. At least, not yet.
So many lessons that I had not had a chance to learn because of my restricted cultural upbringing were learnt in a matter of days.

In the last few days, I have experienced every negative emotion humans must have a word for.
Anguish.
Apathy.
Rejection.
Guilt.
Loss.
Anxiety.
Helplessness.
Hopelessness.
Heartbreak.

However, the one overwhelming emotion that was there along with all of these was Anger.
I have been really angry. An anger I cannot justify. An anger I can't control. An anger I need to control because the flame is pointing to me and I'm burning to ashes.

I have been angry at myself not because I did something wrong. I am not angry because I have got myself into this trouble.
I am angry because I did not do what I should have done. I did not respect the moment that I had when I had it. I had a chance to let go and be myself for a moment. I let it slip because I was worried for these consequences. I wasn't considering the consequences consciously. I am conditioned to consider consequences.

The consequences are there for me to bear irrespective of what I did or did not do.
I am angry because I let myself run into a situation where I have to start a statement that starts with "I wish I had..." rather than "I wish I had not...".

I hope I can forgive myself some day for this.
No, it gets better. 
I pray I will get a second chance to correct it.

It is wishful but that's how I am going to look at it from now on.
That's where I am going to focus my energy. 
And if it doesn't get better, I am going to make sure I am going to die trying to make it better.
It has to get better, because it can't get worse and I won't survive if it stays the same.

Revelation..

I have been through the whole rigmarole these last few days. I don't yet know what it means.
However, I do know that it is another revelation.

Like someone held a mirror to my face and pried my eyes open so that I could not look away. I wish I could have had that before.

Such stark revelation is not easy to witness or accept. 
Not when your own core is laid bare in front of you. 
More so, if it comes through someone who you do not expect to know so much. Someone who you wanted to keep away from such a thing at any cost.
More so, if you are the only one not aware of the truth. Even someone not physically witness knows you so much better but you do not. 
More so, when everyone else is in agreement with a matter-of-fact ease while you are hit in the face with your ignorance.

If you look at the mirror with a light shining into it, all you see is the scattered light. The light has to be shining into your face for you to see the true reflection.
Otherwise you keep thinking you are this shining light of virtue when it is merely an outer source you are looking at.

Sometimes the lights need to go out so that you can reveal yourself to yourself.

Lost!

You don't know a loser till you have lost it yourself.
I went out on a limb yesterday and let the emotions flow. It was an emotional outpouring of mammoth proportions that merely turned out to be a Pavlovian response to similar experience in the past. 
Turns out, I may have over reacted to nothing. At least nothing compared to what followed.

The curtains rose on the encore this morning. 
This morning I told everything honestly. As honest as I have ever been. What followed was this:

I got an ultimatum.
"If you ever behave in this way again, I will assume you want out."

Also, got a free character analysis:
"You are such a hormonal person."

The behavior in question is going out for movies, for dinner and to the beach in mostly a social setting.

The offending statement:
"I never felt so free and so happy in my life. I was elated. I felt liberated."

The analysis:
"In your moment of elation and liberation you must have sent out the wrong signals. Anyone can get the wrong signals if you behave like that."

So Sacanagem!
Well as they say, "No honest deed goes unpunished". Especially in a relationship.
Isn't love meant to nurture?
Isn't love meant to help you grow?
Isn't love meant to make you happy?

You know what?
I want out. 
I want out of everything in this world.
I want out of this dependence on anyone to feel happy. 
I want out of being made to feel guilty about anything and everything I enjoy.

I want to be Selfish. 
So selfish that you can't hurt me every time I let you know I live.
So selfish that you cannot hurt me every time I kill a part of me for you.

It was surrendered to you, you didn't win it.
It was a gift, you didn't earn it.
You don't own it. You never will.
Because it's not Your will.
Don't cry if you lose it because you never had it. 

You have to have found it before you say it's lost.