The Urge!

It's back.
The urge.
The same urge.

The urge to look into your eyes.
The urge to hold you once more.

The urge to feel your hand on the small of my back, pulling me closer.
The urge to feel your lips on my neck.

The urge to kiss you.
The urge to have what cannot be had.

The urge that kills me.

If only I could fly to you right now.

Nelson Mandela.. To an Unknown Girl

In 1994, an unknown girl in fifth grade looked on as a seventy six year old man was sworn in as the president of a nation on her fourteen inch black and white TV set.

Life wasn't about much at that time but growing up in a house with a black and white TV set in 1994 was not great.

She didn't know much about this man but the news said he had found what a whole nation had been looking for.
He had found it even though he had been in jail for twenty seven years.

In her tiny world, a fifth grader decided she won't give up. Ever.
She decided that if that old guy hadn't given up in jail for that long, she had no right to give up as a free citizen.

She imagined grandpa would be like that if she knew him.
She called him Papá in her heart.
She took strength from him.

Papá, you shall always stay in my heart.
You shall always be a light and a fountain of strength.

Now, sleep well!

Silver Linings!

Just to change the tone of the blog for a bit.
My encounters with the Mighty Orb that can be so easily overpowered by a ball of vapor!

Between the layers upon layers of clouds before landing in San Francisco.
Boy!.. It was day to night in less than 30 secs.
Below, the city was dark and all the street lights were on.

In a remote place in North East India... playing hide and seek in the storm. 
Was able to take the snap just before the winds picked up and blew the flimsy wooden fence away.
No one got hurt!

Outside a public parking lot in Miami, Florida.
The cloud came from nowhere on what was an awesome sunny February afternoon!

 At the Everglades, Florida. 
The solitary (well, almost) cloud in Shark Valley trail. 
Must say, it was a welcome respite. 
We chose a particularly sunny day to rent bicycles.

 Again at the Everglades! 
Peeping out...

Sunset in the Glades that same day, taken from an air boat.. Not one of the typical silver linings but definitely, one of the most beautiful sunsets I ever saw.

On a side note, there is nothing airy about the air boats. They are cumbersome and noisy and I was surprised, we could spot even one gator in the wild.

If I were a gator, I would be miles away from that noise.

Will post more pics and stuff later.

Clarity... or Lack of it!

My previous blog was full of outrage.

Fueled by a sense of unfathomable betrayal.

Probably, based on a belief that telling someone you love them, somehow makes a difference.

It gets you the right to be directly informed.

It makes you deserve that much.

Apparently,it doesn't.

Only madmen in love can nourish such romantic notion.

The timing is so atrocious.

The moment I gather myself and shards of my heart.

The moment I decide to distance myself, he has to come back.

He has to leave a word.

A formal greeting.

A word so deprived of emotion, it feels disrespectful.

Disrespectful, and fouler than an abuse.

Like spit in the face.

Like alms so petty, they offend a beggar.

It is like he mocks my love.

Or his knowledge of it.

Yet, I wait for that one pitiful word.

Wait with eager anticipation.

Wait, till it brings the disappointment of its bland notion.

Yet, I love him, over the other who loves me so truly.

Am I so blindly ungrateful?

There is nothing I appreciate more than my unparalleled fortune in what I already have.

Then why are my affections so divided?

Is it the allure of that which is beyond reach?

At least, the question is clear now. 

In time, the answer may present itself too.

Until then...

Interpreting Silence!... What a mess?

Everything I posted so far, I kept impersonal.
Derived from so deep in the heart or so far in the past that it has a surreal distance from me.
Like it was someone else's story.

Today I must talk of something so recent that it can't be separated from reality.
Cannot be draped in any veil of comfort.

I told him I love him and I would leave everything for him.
It was too early to let him know but it was my only chance.

I asked for five minutes to hold him because something inside me knew he was too good to stay.

He didn't give me those five minutes.
He gave me a song and went silent.

I needed one answer.
He wouldn't even let me ask the question.

I kept banging at the door.
He let me know he was there but he wouldn't make a sound.

The song could have meant anything.
His silence could have meant anything.

Did it mean he didn't feel the way I felt?
Did it mean it just wasn't right?
Did it mean anything at all?
What? 
What did it mean?

I kept telling myself that it was I who came on too hard.
That the silence could only mean he loved me not.
And it looked like it.
He removed all trace of me.
Even as I watched.

So I tried to keep up my best face.
I believed he moved on.
So I tried to make myself believe I moved on.

Then he shows up with this girl.
So much of me in her, from the trinket she wears to the words she used.

Now.. what do I make of the silence?
Am I reading into it because I feel jealous?
I must be jealous but something else is bothering me more.

What's wrong with boys?
Why don't they say it to your face?

It will hurt much less to know the truth than to keep guessing.
A man can't read a woman's mind but so is true for women.
Women can't read minds too.

Why don't you go lose yourself Jad?
Why don't you say it out loud?
Even now, why don't you?

How long till I am free of you?
How long till I can move on?

How long till this noisy silence lasts?

Cowards

Cowards.
They are humans.
They have dreams.
They want to make it big.

They want it all like someone owes it to them.
Like it would just show up in a sock in the morning.
It doesn't.

They think it is everybody's job to give them what they want.
Like they gave it all the longing they had.
Like they gave all their time and effort to someone else's dream.

Like just wanting is enough to deserve it.
It isn't.

The boss believes it.
The client believes it.
The coward doesn't.

They can't accept it.
Their own failure.
Or a lack of achievement.

Sights are set on the next generation.
Like the child is born with all their own unfulfilled dreams.

The child keeps trying to live the coward's life.
Subdued by force.
Forced by duty.

Duty-bound to its creator.
With its own dreams in the back seat.

Suddenly the child is all grown up.
With wants and dreams there is no time to fulfill.

Another coward bred on cowardice.
And the spiral continues into another generation.

Interpreting Silence

This is where it all started in fifth grade:

"I finished my test and sat in the library while I waited for my brother to finish his. 
It was an exam day. 
I waited for the whole school.
Third to twelfth grade.

I marveled at the silence that surrounded me. 
I waited for the Goddess of Learning to descend and bless the tranquility.
I could almost see a chariot of light descend any moment now.
That moment was not to happen.

What descended was realization.
I realized this silence was not what seers and hermits sought to be enlightened.

This silence did not lift burdens off the mind.
This silence was born of the burdens that young minds bore.

This silence was born of fear.
What fruit could a tree bear that grew from the seed of fear.

There was no amazement of learning.
No joy of achievement.

Only the fear of not performing well enough for expectations.

It was the silence of childhoods silenced in the name of education."

My dad read the unsigned note two years later. 
He showed it to me.
He said I should learn from whoever wrote it.

I told him it was mine.

He went silent.
I tried to interpret his silence.

To this day I do not know if he approved that his child was not someone he couldn't be ashamed of.

I kept interpreting silence per my convenience...

to be continued...

A Moment of Truth...

Missing someone.
So deeply, it feels like the heart may rip from the chest.

Want to see once more.
Want to hear once more.
Want once more.

Go to the website to listen to a song.
The song that plays in the background.
The background of the video.
The only video posted since leaving.

The video is now private.
Just like every photograph.
Like every tag.

How private?


Does the privacy endorse its truth?
What does it mean?


Fear? 
Of what?
Escape? 
From where?
Denial? 
What was to be accepted or denied?

An unpleasant truth does not change by closing the eyes to its existence.

The truth remains.
The heart remains.
The heartache remains.


Like it will rip the heart out of the chest.

Like Before...

Someone told me a few months back, "You'll go back home and everything will be like before."

Took those words and kept them in my heart.
Worked so hard to see them come true.

Tried. 
Really tried.
And then tried some more.
And every time looked around to see if everything was like before.


Never happened.

How can it ever be if a part of your soul is changed?
If your heart has been touched?
If you have known the change and let it know that you know?

Life happens and we walk away.


Try to walk away...  
But can we?

Every past moment was different.
Every passing moment is changing.
Every moment that will pass will change.

It can never be like before.
However much you say it or want to believe it.

It can never be like before.

Que Importa... What does it Matter?

What's so important?
Is there anything so important?

Ultimately. No.

There comes a moment when the realization dawns that Life is, in fact, just a moment.
A moment in the passing of innumerable more.

The only moment that is real is the present moment.
The moment gone, never retrieved.

The moment coming, becomes present even as we think of it.

No reality except that minuscule iota of time that's Now.
All that we think is Real is merely our Brain telling us it is.

Then what does it matter?
Why get tied down with attachments?
Why get torn down by loss?
Why celebrate or mourn a moment?

The moment is passed.
The next has come.

Let nothing stop you.
Move on.

Love.
Live.

Lonely Recluse's Top Five to Lose Someone!

        Once upon a time, a certain Lonely Recluse needed to get rid of someone who threatened to liven up their dreary life. Now any recluse can identify with the need to maintain status quo in a life sans merriment.

These are the results of extensive research done by the Lonely Recluse to preserve a lifestyle. 
Followed in the right order, they are good to get a vampire off your neck.

#5. Tell them they are your soul-mate at introductions: 
Well begun is half done! 
Most people would be sent scampering down the street just by this one small gesture of camaraderie.
If they are still standing, the job is tougher but far from impossible.

#4. Become their shadow: 
Follow them everywhere. 
Majority would run for it if they need to dodge you to go to the bathroom.
The ones that don't mind would be tougher cookie but we can crack that.

#3. Share a secret: 
Tell them your deepest, darkest secret. The type you don't tell even to yourself.
There may be those who wouldn't mind your shadow under the toilet door but there aren't many that can carry a burden of knowledge.

#2. Share even more: 
If they are still standing after one secret, tell them even more. 
Crowd the voice mail, the inbox and the mailbox.
Tell them about your dog's diarrhea.

The survivor of a bombardment of that kind should be a keeper but then, we are talking of losing, not keeping, this person. 
So let's move on to the fail-safe.
The one that works almost every time.

#1. Soak them in tears: 
Open up your insecurities. 
Cry till your make up (if you wear any) and their shoulder dissolves. 
Pile up every emotional need on them like they owe it to you.

If #1 fails then even the Lonely Recluse can't help you. 

This one won't leave your side even in the afterlife. 
These strategies can't really work because they were devised for mere mortals. 
No other worldly beings were harmed in the conduct of this research.

You have met your match indeed. 
Learn to live with it.

Hermit, Not Ascetic!

Semantics. 
Some would say.
What's the difference?

I say there is.
It took me all my life to realize I am one and not the other.
It took me all my life to realize it is not required to be one in order to be the other.

I am a Hermit.
I like to stay away in general.
Glorified introvert?
I like to say,"I respect personal space. 
Most of all, my own personal space.
I extend that courtesy to the second and third person."

I am not an Ascetic.
I follow my spiritual goals. Tenuously.

I do not deny anything in the process.
I do not deny responsibility.
I do not deny pleasure.
I do not deny myself.

Denial is voluntary ignorance.
How can there be spiritual growth where there is ignorance?
How can someone master something they never experienced?

Spirituality is not about denying that a vice exists. 
It is not about acknowledging a vice to condemn it.

Spirituality is about rising.
It is about acknowledging the vice and then rising above it. 

It is not about turning the other way.
It is not about crossing the street.
It is not about avoiding the temptation altogether.
Spirituality is about learning to stay strong in the face of it.

Hence, I say, I am not an ascetic. 
I can never be while I tread the path of spirituality.
I doubt you when you ask me to take the escapist route of being one.

I stay a hermit. 
Stand on the sidelines and experience by observing.
I am not attached to what I see but I am not closing my eyes.

I see.
I experience.
I learn.
I grow.

Violence.. All there is to it.

The Boston Marathon Bombings brought it back in the news.

The drama of capture of the suspects played out on competing international news channels.
The drama of blaming someone played out everywhere else. 

Some resorted to the Anti-Islam refrain. 
Some blamed misguided youth. 
Some blamed government policy.
Others tried to stand out of the crowd by sympathizing with the suspect, perhaps just to hog some conspiracy generated limelight.

Twelve years on, as they begin digging for human remains under the rubble of the mighty World Trade Center once more, I wonder.
I wonder, which side am I on?
As a 'Responsible' youth of the Twenty-first century, I must have an opinion to voice.

What is my opinion?
What am I supposed to have an opinion on?
Terror?
Religion?
Government policies?

I try my best.
I ask, 
"Who died? 
Who was maimed for life? 
Who will never be loved by a loved one? 
Who didn't get a chance to say Goodbye?"

In Iraq, was it Saddam? 
In the Twin Towers, was it the US policy makers?
In Afghanistan, was it bin Laden?
Were any drones brought down at the finish line of the Boston Marathon?

No.

"Who was it after all?"
The one who died at all these places was Someone Innocent.

Each of these incidents, like numerous others across the globe, is summarized in one line.
An act of violence against Someone Innocent.

Violence, in the name of Someone Innocent of the violence they brought upon themselves.
Each time, at the receiving end, Someone Innocent.

Each act of violence creates another group of wronged innocents who will be the reason for violence on more innocents.

Someone innocent paying for another innocent.
That's all there is to violence.

What can be my opinion on violence?
There is no logic to it. 
No morality. 
No reason. 
No justification.

No argument.
It's just that.
A downward spiral.
An act of violence.

Why? Oh, Why?

Why? Oh, Why?
Why me?
Why now?
Why?

Everyone has asked that at least once in life.
Has sat with head in hands and wondered.
Has cried inwards or cursed outwards.
Has felt betrayed. 

Has lost faith.
Has been there.

At least once in life.

Then everyone has lifted their heads.
Tried to look up. 

Act like moving on.

Problem.
Moving on doesn't happen so easily.
The pain doesn't go away.
The faith doesn't return a hundred percent.

Unless.... the "Why?" is answered.

Answers take time.
A millisecond. A decade.
It depends.
It depends, when the Universe decides to show "Why?".

But when it happens, there can be no doubt there is always a plan for us in the scheme of the Universe.
All that is needed is to be aware when the Answer reveals itself.

What happens, happens just the way it should have happened.

How do I know?
As Morpheus puts it, "Because we are not dead."

Crossroads....

Life. Journey.

Crossroads. Inevitable.


Indecision? Yes.
Unnecessary? No.


Every now and then in our journey, life throws crossroads at us.
Sometimes with the "Stop All Ways" Sign.
Often with no Directing Arrows.


It is agitating, at times, to not know whether to turn. 
If a turn is for sure, it is agitating to not know in which direction.


Makes you think "Why crossroads?"
Same question as "Why choices?"


Crossroads bring along choices. 
The freedom to take a turn that may make a difference.
The excitement of meeting other travellers.
The possibility of a new destination.


Why not race into wherever the traffic flows?
Because, every now and then, Life wants us to take a chance.
Every now and then, life wants to give us a chance.

Destiny is not written in the stars or in the hands.
Destiny is designed by crossroads.

Love and Pain

Love. Pain.
Contradictory.

Yet the subject of more songs in any language than any other perhaps.
Why? One wonders.

Why is pain universally associated with love?


Pain is not born out of Love.
It is the child of attachment.
Of desires.
Of expectations.
Of trying to hold on too tightly.
Of the need to be seen by the loved one.


Pain is not woven into the fabric of Love.
It is woven into the fabric of human nature.


We don't love to love.
We love to possess. 
To conquer. 


We want to conveniently label our associations of convenience as Love.
We are merchants looking for returns on our goods.
When our goods bear no profit, it hurts.
If they bring returns, the thought of losing it hurts.
If we lose it, the loss hurts.


Love is not a business. 
If it is a business, there is only give no take.
Love only gives immense bliss.
It only gives the soul a taste of the divine.
It takes nothing. 
It adds. Never subtracts.

Feel Love like appreciating the beauty of a butterfly.
A butterfly looks the most beautiful flying among the flowers whose colors complement those of its wings. 
Catching a butterfly merely rubs off its delicate scales and brings it harm.
The moment we start thinking of chasing it to catch it, we stop enjoying its beauty.


Relax.
Lay back.
Become one with the flowers in the garden.


Let the butterfly come to you and when it does, don't try to keep it there.
If you have the nectar it needs, it will stay.
If it doesn't, still rejoice in the beauty of its flight.


Let love be a Rise not a Fall.

A Woman to Men.

The last few days I have been deprived of the lifeblood of modern urban life. The Internet.

It gave me more time than I imagined I needed. This is the fruit of time... well... spent away from internet.

The question: What is a woman to men in her life?

Father: "She is the apple of my eye. She is my little Fairy Princess. She is the most beautiful girl in the world. She is my honor and my pride. I would do anything to protect my honor and pride."

Brother: "She is my best friend. She keeps all my secrets. She is there for me every time I need her. She is the most beautiful girl in the world. She is my honor and my pride. I would do anything to protect my honor and pride."

Husband: "She is my soul-mate. She is my strength and the reason I live for. She is the most beautiful girl in the world. She is my honor and my pride. I would do anything to protect my honor and pride."

Boyfriend/ Lover/ Secret Lover: "She is the most beautiful girl in the world. I can't live without her. I could kill for her. I would die for her. 

However, she is the pride and honor of her father/ brother/ this other guy. I understand their concern. Even if she loves me, I will be faithful to my male counterparts.

I will break her heart but I will do nothing to harm their honor and pride."

Woman: "Dear Men in My Life! Grow some balls. I'm not your favorite piece of furniture or your latest sports car. I'm not a piece of glass or a pot of delicate china or any other object that needs your constant protection. I am my own honor and pride and I'm not lending myself to your pride and honor. I am a living member of your intellectually advanced species. So, please, find something else to feed to your fragile ego."

The Curious Case of Reverse Grief Response.

Kϋbler Ross gave the classic Response to Grief sequence as:

Denial > Anger > Bargain > Depression > Acceptance. 

It is believed to be the stops in the mind's passage through the dark tunnel of knowing to the light at the other end, where it can learn to live with the fact.

It is believed to explain the process of dealing with loss, from the most minor, like a child realizing they can't have their favorite toy anymore, to the terminal patient planning out the numbered days of their life.

Here is a case where the sequence was reversed giving rise to its own peculiarities.

Acceptance: 

There could be no doubt about it.

If something cannot be possessed, isn't their implied loss?

The mind was ready to pay the price. 

What can be the price of something that cannot be bought? 

Priceless. There was beguiled security in this matter of fact.

Depression:

The problem is "Priceless" is an oxymoron. It is too high a price to pay. 

When depression set it in, the illusion was shattered. Accepting the emotion as depression was also acceptance, but of another kind. It was acceptance that there had been something that had been possessed and a price was being paid. 

A price so high it could not be fathomed.

Bargain:

This didn't last long. 

What's to offer in return for Priceless?

What do you bargain pure joy with? 

Then there was this other issue.

How do you cross a wall with no doors or windows?

Anger:

This has been the longest. It refuses to go away.

It is born of the false acceptance.

It wouldn't go away because the next stage cannot set in.

Denial:

What is there to deny?

Deny that it was there? Then there can be no loss. What isn't found cannot be lost. 

Yet, what has already come to pass cannot be erased from history. That it was, is undeniable. 

It's credibility cannot be questioned just like that of your breath which is self evident in the fact that you are still alive.

Deny the loss? Then the whole argument is pointless. Then there is no response, let alone a reversal.

The loss is undeniable. It was the one natural course. 

It was Inevitable.It was accepted even before it was acknowledged.

Unless we come to terms with what needs to be denied, the anger is going to burn. Since it has nowhere else to go, it will burn inwards.

The logic of Kϋbler Ross's sequence hits home. The sequence cannot make sense if the order is reversed. 

Ultimately, it has to go full circle from Denial to Acceptance.

However, that will have to wait till the paradox of the Denial can be dealt with.

Top Five Rules for Clubbing.

One of my interesting experiences in the last few weeks was going to a club. 
"Wow!" you'll say, "how interesting to do something thousands of teenagers do almost every weekend all over the world!"

Umm... I am not exactly a teenager and I don't exactly do it every weekend.
It's not going to the club that's so interesting. It's the lessons that I learnt that I need to share. 

I was so impressed with the experience that I had to come up with my own countdown of Rules for Clubbing:

#5 If you are not a regular or a local, don't take the advice of people who are not legally allowed inside clubs. (Therefore, have never gone to a club.) Chances are, you are going to get a rotten deal.
#4 Check out the DJ before you go. If you are in mood for House music you don't want to end up on a floor that plays the same Techno Beat for four hours in a row.
#3 Do not suggest that your companion should dance with you just because you two have been standing on the dance floor for more than an hour and it's too loud to have any conversation.
#2 If you feel like kissing your companion, do not grin like an idiot. Do It.

This is The Most Important one, it has to be number One. You cannot follow Rule Two above without getting into some kind of trouble if you don't follow this rule.

#1 DO NOT go to a club with a boy who is neither your friend nor your boyfriend, esp if you are married (to someone else). 

So happy clubbing!

It Gets Better.. If it doesn't, Make it Better!

I took my time. I am not yet very clear about everything because the only person who can answer my questions is vehemently avoiding answering any of them.

So, here I am with my own thoughts again. 
I took a couple of weeks off to sort my thoughts and this is what I came up with so far. 
I have never been so emotionally invested in anyone in all my life. And I have never lost so much in an investment till date. 

A lot of interesting things happened in my life in the last few weeks. So many, that I can't even begin to begin listing them. At least, not yet.
So many lessons that I had not had a chance to learn because of my restricted cultural upbringing were learnt in a matter of days.

In the last few days, I have experienced every negative emotion humans must have a word for.
Anguish.
Apathy.
Rejection.
Guilt.
Loss.
Anxiety.
Helplessness.
Hopelessness.
Heartbreak.

However, the one overwhelming emotion that was there along with all of these was Anger.
I have been really angry. An anger I cannot justify. An anger I can't control. An anger I need to control because the flame is pointing to me and I'm burning to ashes.

I have been angry at myself not because I did something wrong. I am not angry because I have got myself into this trouble.
I am angry because I did not do what I should have done. I did not respect the moment that I had when I had it. I had a chance to let go and be myself for a moment. I let it slip because I was worried for these consequences. I wasn't considering the consequences consciously. I am conditioned to consider consequences.

The consequences are there for me to bear irrespective of what I did or did not do.
I am angry because I let myself run into a situation where I have to start a statement that starts with "I wish I had..." rather than "I wish I had not...".

I hope I can forgive myself some day for this.
No, it gets better. 
I pray I will get a second chance to correct it.

It is wishful but that's how I am going to look at it from now on.
That's where I am going to focus my energy. 
And if it doesn't get better, I am going to make sure I am going to die trying to make it better.
It has to get better, because it can't get worse and I won't survive if it stays the same.

Revelation..

I have been through the whole rigmarole these last few days. I don't yet know what it means.
However, I do know that it is another revelation.

Like someone held a mirror to my face and pried my eyes open so that I could not look away. I wish I could have had that before.

Such stark revelation is not easy to witness or accept. 
Not when your own core is laid bare in front of you. 
More so, if it comes through someone who you do not expect to know so much. Someone who you wanted to keep away from such a thing at any cost.
More so, if you are the only one not aware of the truth. Even someone not physically witness knows you so much better but you do not. 
More so, when everyone else is in agreement with a matter-of-fact ease while you are hit in the face with your ignorance.

If you look at the mirror with a light shining into it, all you see is the scattered light. The light has to be shining into your face for you to see the true reflection.
Otherwise you keep thinking you are this shining light of virtue when it is merely an outer source you are looking at.

Sometimes the lights need to go out so that you can reveal yourself to yourself.

Lost!

You don't know a loser till you have lost it yourself.
I went out on a limb yesterday and let the emotions flow. It was an emotional outpouring of mammoth proportions that merely turned out to be a Pavlovian response to similar experience in the past. 
Turns out, I may have over reacted to nothing. At least nothing compared to what followed.

The curtains rose on the encore this morning. 
This morning I told everything honestly. As honest as I have ever been. What followed was this:

I got an ultimatum.
"If you ever behave in this way again, I will assume you want out."

Also, got a free character analysis:
"You are such a hormonal person."

The behavior in question is going out for movies, for dinner and to the beach in mostly a social setting.

The offending statement:
"I never felt so free and so happy in my life. I was elated. I felt liberated."

The analysis:
"In your moment of elation and liberation you must have sent out the wrong signals. Anyone can get the wrong signals if you behave like that."

So Sacanagem!
Well as they say, "No honest deed goes unpunished". Especially in a relationship.
Isn't love meant to nurture?
Isn't love meant to help you grow?
Isn't love meant to make you happy?

You know what?
I want out. 
I want out of everything in this world.
I want out of this dependence on anyone to feel happy. 
I want out of being made to feel guilty about anything and everything I enjoy.

I want to be Selfish. 
So selfish that you can't hurt me every time I let you know I live.
So selfish that you cannot hurt me every time I kill a part of me for you.

It was surrendered to you, you didn't win it.
It was a gift, you didn't earn it.
You don't own it. You never will.
Because it's not Your will.
Don't cry if you lose it because you never had it. 

You have to have found it before you say it's lost.